


Flawed and Flawless Love

by redshirtjulius



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Command Dorks, Fics for Friends, Fluff, Jules writes Star Trek fluff, M/M, Space Husbands, Star Trek - Freeform, chulu - Freeform, spirk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-17
Updated: 2014-01-21
Packaged: 2017-12-29 14:44:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1006640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redshirtjulius/pseuds/redshirtjulius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captains, First Officers, and Ensigns, Oh myyyy! It seems that trekking across the universe instills feelings of affection and adoration in several members of the Enterprise's jolly crew. Nothing can possibly go wrong, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All Shook Up

**Author's Note:**

> A fluffy awkward Spirk fanfiction with a bit of Chulu mixed in. No idea where this is going, but I hope you enjoy the ride.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James T. Kirk is stubborn and emotional. Spock is curious. Bones just wants peace.

James T. Kirk was not about to admit that he was in love, especially since it was with Spock. No way would he ever, not even under the threat of losing captaincy, admit that he was completely infatuated with his First Officer. _N-e-v-e-r_ , never. Bones would shake his head and mumble something about crazy, Scotty would howl with laughter, Uhura would smirk and- _No!_ None of that would happen, because they'd never know. _Well, Bones probably already does, but that's Bones and he'll never tell a soul if I don't want him to_. Kirk thought, shaking his head and trying to clear his mind. _Why Spock, though?_ He continued. _I mean, of all the crew members, it had to be him. The one who's hardest to get._ He sat up straight suddenly. _That's why_ , Jim thought. _I 'love' him because I can't have him! Ah, that means I'll be over him before I know it._

But about a month later, Jim wasn't over Spock. Not by a long shot. It had gotten progressively worse, until now he couldn't even sit in his chair without feeling like an excited schoolgirl. _Great_. Not to mention his elation was always intensified by the fact that Spock was ever-present, hovering over his shoulder and offering suggestions. Jim stared out of the viewport, barely noticing anything else as he focused on Spock's strong, steady voice. It was perfect, _he_ was perfect. _Too perfect to even notice someone like me falling head over heels for him_. Jim sighed internally, slightly aggravated by the fact that he could not, no, would not just go ahead and tell Spock how he felt. He was James Tiberius Kirk, Starfleet's finest captain, and he couldn't even admit to his own emotions. He dropped his head into his hand and sighed audibly, catching Spock's attention.

"Captain, is there an issue that I am unaware of?" The slight intonation of his voice made Kirk shiver ever so slightly.

"Of course not, Spock. Everything is fine." Kirk was lying through his teeth, hoping Spock wouldn't pursue the matter.

"Captain, lying to me is unwise as I will eventually discover what it is that you are hiding. Perhaps you would prefer to tell me yourself?" Or in everyday vernacular, ' _Don't lie to me because I have ways of finding out what's going on. Tell me or I start asking around._ ' Kirk simultaneously loved and hated how Spock could read him like a book.

"Fine- but later, Mr. Spock." Kirk relented, his voice low. Spock was appeased by this for the moment, but Kirk knew as soon as Spock determined that it was 'later', he would find Kirk to get what he was promised. He dreaded that moment.

*---*---*

"Bones, we gotta talk. Now, before Spock hunts me down."

"Jim, what're ya goin' on about? What'd ya do this time?" McCoy turned to face Kirk, more than slightly annoyed about the sudden visit.

"I didn't do anything, but I thought you should know what's up before I have to tell Spock." Kirk took a deep breath and let everything on his mind come out of his mouth in a rush of words.

"I've been in love with Spock for a while but I haven't told anyone until now- See, that's where you come in- and earlier he noticed something was up so he asked me and I said I'd tell him later, well now it's later so he's probably already looking for me and I really don't want to tell him yet but I can't lie much longer and-"

"Hey! Calm down. First off, I already figured ya had it bad for Spock. Don't know why ya do, but I noticed it right off. Second, don't lie t' him. You know he'll find ya out, whether ya tell him or not." McCoy shook his head and steered Kirk towards his office.

"But it's not that simple-"

"Yes it is. Ya might think I don't know much about these things, but I do. Just tell him. Th' worst he can do is not return your feelings."

"That's what I don't want." Jim stopped and faced McCoy, his face serious and his eyes full of fear and confusion.

"I want Spock to love me. If I tell him and he doesn't, then it will be near unbearable for me to keep doing my job. Ergo, I will be emotionally compromised. That means I'll have to give up captaincy of the Enterprise. So him rejecting me isn't the worst, it just opens the door for the worst." His voice quivered, almost breaking more than once.

"Jim, you're blowing this outta proportion. It won't be th' end of yer captaincy t' tell Spock how ya feel. In fact, I'm almost positive that th' stone-faced hobgoblin will feel th' same. Might not show it, but it'll be there." McCoy fixed Kirk with a determined glare and handed him a glass of brandy.

"Swallow that an' get outta my Medbay with yer paranoid ranting." Jim took the glass and swallowed the liquor in one go, admittedly not feeling much better. However, he knew it would be better to face a curious Spock than an annoyed McCoy at this point. He wandered out of the Medbay and down the corridor to his quarters, almost praying that Spock wouldn't be waiting for him along the way. He started at the slightest sounds, feeling like he was about to implode if he didn't lay down. Thankfully, his quarters were just up ahead, no Spock in sight. He slipped inside and locked the door, flopping onto his bed face-down. He wanted to fall asleep and forget the events of the day, but his peaceful dark silence was interrupted by a sharp knock on the door. Spock had arrived to collect his promised information.

"Captain, it is later. Would you like to speak here or in the recreational room?" _He didn't waste any time getting to the point, did he?_

"In here is fine, Spock. Come in." The door slid open quietly and the Vulcan officer entered with the strange grace that Kirk had come to admire.

"Now, I believe you agreed to explain what is causing you distress?" Spock quirked an eyebrow, waiting.

 _Well, here goes nothing, I guess._ Kirk thought, swallowing hard. _Just listen to Bones and tell Spock how you feel. Easy, right? Just say it. I love you. Simple!_

"Doctor McCoy and I had a private conversation earlier and-"  
 _Yes, that's it, say it!_

"We determined that there should be a medical officer in Engineering at all times, due to the high number of injuries in those departments."  
 _No, no, no! Idiot, you blew it! It was wide open, and you just completely shut yourself down!_

"That is... All, Captain?" However impossible it seemed, Spock's eyebrow arched even higher.

"Yes, Mr. Spock, that is all. I told you earlier it was nothing." Kirk's face betrayed nothing. And it wasn't a total lie, he had discussed that with McCoy a few days earlier. He just hadn't mentioned it until now.

"Of course, sir. Your joint decision with Doctor McCoy is a logical one, as the statistics for injury reports of engineering personnel are quite high." Spock nodded crisply, turning to leave, but in doing so there was an ever so slight hesitation, as if he was expecting Kirk to say more. _Waiting_ for Kirk to say more, even. But there was nothing, just empty silence in which Spock took his leave and Kirk returned to his bed, mentally beating himself for not just saying it. The French had a word for that, what was it? L'sprite- no, no... _L'esprit de L'escalier,_ that was it. The feeling after a conversation in which you think of all the things you should have said. That exact feeling might as well be punching James T. Kirk in the face for how great he felt, and he felt like it was only going to get worse.


	2. Unclear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pavel Chekov has a crush on his fellow helmsman. Hikaru likes to give Pav flowers. Coincidence? Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creative juices ran dry for a bit, but they're back full force now. Managed to finish up this chapter with minimal cuts. Enjoy!

Young Pavel Chekov knew more than most people, especially when it came to doing anything complicated, such as successfully navigating a ship or perhaps even fixing said ship's warp drive. Despite this, he had no idea how to go about the difficult task of telling Hikaru Sulu that he was helplessly in love with him. Just sitting at the console next to his friend (he hoped Hikaru wanted to be more) filled him with warmth and made his cheeks flush slightly. When Hikaru smiled at him, it made him want to kiss him right there, no matter who was watching.

Pavel loved everything about Hikaru from the jokes he told (even though sometimes he didn't understand them) to the way he took care of his plants. _Such gentle hands for such strong man_ , Pavel would think to himself adoringly. Sometimes, if Pavel was feeling a little under the weather, Hikaru would bring him one of his precious flowers, carefully cultivated and perfect in its own way. They were always such thoughtful and beautiful gifts, and sometimes Pavel wondered if this was Hikaru's way of encouraging him to take a leap of faith, to share how he felt. So why was he so hesitant? Hikaru was such a good friend, he wouldn't just shatter Pavel's heart. If anything, if he didn't love Pavel the same way, he'd let him down gently and still want to be friends. So what was there to lose? Pavel bit his lip and tried to shake the feeling of imminent heartbreak that loomed over him. Hikaru was older, if only by a few years, and Pavel knew he'd had several relationships before. He didn't, however, know the stories of how they had ended. _It is probably best I don't_ , he thought.

He was sitting alone in one of the observatory decks, staring into the stars and thinking about Hikaru. He didn't notice when the doors slid open and the man who occupied his mind constantly walked in quietly.

"Hey Pav, what's eating you? You've been awfully quiet lately. Something wrong?" Hikaru asked, concern apparent despite his smile.

"Oh, eet ees nosing, I assure you. I haft just been sinking a lot, zat ees all." Pavel jumped slightly and smiled back, gathering his thoughts in a hurry. He realized how thankful he was that Hikaru wasn't a telepath.

"Oh. Well, don't think too hard, mmkay? Might create a singularity or something." Hikaru joked, sitting on the bench and sliding closer. _Closer zan necessary for friends_ , Pavel thought, taking a deep breath to slow his pounding heart. He glanced at Hikaru from the corner of his eye and willed his cheeks not to flush.

"Zere ees no danger of my sinking creating a singularity." Pavel replied flatly. He immediately regretted his response, but Hikaru just chuckled.

"I know, Pav. I'm just messing with you. Oh, I just remembered... You like camellias, right? I have a new variety growing, it's really nice. Thought you might want to keep a bloom." Hikaru leaned back against the wall, a dreamy look in his eyes as he envisioned the plant he was talking about. Pavel was about to confirm that he would like one, when Hikaru cut him off suddenly.

"Emperor of Russia."

"What?" Pavel looked at him, confusion darting across his face.

"That's the name of the camellia I'm growing. Emperor of Russia. It reminded me of you." Hikaru smiled softly and continued.

"I was going to give it to you on your birthday, but it's just so pretty and unusual I couldn't wait. Don't worry, you'll still get something else from me, so consider this an early gift." Hikaru reached out and squeezed Pavel's hand lightly, letting his hand rest there when Pavel didn't pull away.

Pavel's eyes widened slightly. He felt like electricity was suddenly coursing through his veins in place of blood. It was strangely pleasant, like coming alive as if he had never lived before. Every nerve in his body screamed for him to kiss Hikaru, _to cut to the chase_ and say what he felt. But he didn't. He couldn't, not yet.

"Sank you. I love your flowers... Zey are such nice gifts." Pavel felt a crooked grin spread over his features. Hikaru squeezed his hand again and smiled back, barely stifling a laugh at the teen's silly grin.

"Glad you like them. Don't know what else I'd get you if you didn't. Speaking of, have you been by your room yet?"

"Nyet, not since shift ended... Why do you ask?" Pavel's hint of confusion came back, making him slightly wary.

"You'll see, trust me. I think you'll like it." Hikaru muttered under his breath, "Or at least I hope you will." He slid his hand away and stood, stretching. Pavel followed suit, standing a little to quickly and almost toppling over his charts. He caught himself, but his cheeks still burned with embarrassment at his slip. Hikaru chuckled and shook his head lightly.

"See you tomorrow, Pav. Hope you like your surprise." He casually tossed the phrase over his shoulder as he left, leaving Pavel alone with his thoughts. _What could Hikaru have possibly given me?_ Pavel puzzled over it, making his way back to his quarters as a warm drowsiness settled over him.


	3. What Night Brings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirk has literal war flashbacks and Bones is summoned to help. Enter Spock, who decides to be slightly less stiff for the night. No cuddles just yet, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no regrets about doing the thing. Also I like sleepy, inebriated Jim so we're gonna play with him some more later, okay. Comments and criticisms are always welcome.

Jim Kirk found himself jerking awake, a foggy darkness fading as he sat up straight. A strangled scream caught in his throat, and he managed to swallow it before it escaped. Night after night his nightmares came flooding back, each more vivid and terrifyingly real than the last. _It's all in your head_ , he reassured himself halfheartedly as he slowly stood and made his way to the mirror. Staring at his gray, monotone reflection in the dark, he noticed that the lack of light made him appear older, more fragile. Maybe he was just that when the night came. At least, that's how it always seemed. He grabbed his communicator, hailing Bones and knowing he would be awake at this hour.

"Bones, you think you could bring me some sleeping pills?"

"Nightmares again, Jim?" McCoy's voice was understanding. He had been one of the first to experience one of Jim's full blown night terrors firsthand.

"Mmhmm. Can't get back to sleep." It wasn't a lie. Jim couldn't fall asleep after an episode like that.

"I'll be there 'n a moment." McCoy wouldn't waste any time in helping Jim get to sleep. As much as he hated it, he needed it to function properly. Jim sat stiffly on the edge of his bed, head in hands as he waited for Bones to bring him the sleep meds. He wished he didn't have to take pills to sleep soundly, but it was currently the only way for him to have undisturbed rest. It wasn't long before there was a quiet knock and the door slid open, admitting the doctor.

"These should do th' trick." He handed Jim two small blue pills and a glass of water.

"Thanks, Bones. You always know what to do." Jim smiled shakily and swallowed the medicine, watching McCoy leave as quietly as he had come. It wouldn't be long before sleep overcame him and he was forced to rest, but deep black silence was better than his vivid nightmares any time. As his thoughts became fuzzy and his vision blurred, there was another knock.

"It's... It's open." Jim shook his head, trying to clear the slowly settling haze. The door slid open again, revealing Spock standing on the other side. His eyes showed hints of concern though his face was as blank as usual.

"Can I help you, Spock?"

"Doctor McCoy informed me that you are having nightmares. I came to see if there was anything I could do to put your mind at ease." His voice carried the same concern his eyes did, catching Jim by surprise.

"No... The nightmares are sort of a personal thing..." Jim trailed off, staring at the floor. The haze was getting thicker, making his eyes droop. He stifled a yawn unsuccessfully. While his gaze was focused on the floor, he didn't notice Spock crossing the room until he was sitting next to him. The action made Jim jerk his head up, and Spock widened the space between them. Suddenly everything seemed unreal to Jim, like a lucid dream that belonged to someone else. He heard a distant voice asking Spock to stay, just until he was asleep. _Was that me? Did I really just do that?_ He wondered idly, not particularly bothered by it. _Wow, these pills sure are strong..._ His thoughts trailed off as he drifted into the warm, quiet blackness of medicated sleep.

*--*--*

 _This is most unusual_ , Spock noted to himself as Jim struggled to form a sentence.

"Do you... think you could... stay here? Until I'm asleep...?" Jim yawned again and seemed to become even more inebriated and distant. His eyes drifted closed and he nearly toppled over, causing Spock to reflexively reach out to hold him up. As his hand came in contact with Jim's forearm, he immediately felt a wave of ethereal calm wash over him. _That can only be the work of Doctor McCoy's pills,_ he noted again, letting go for a moment and taking hold of Jim's shirt to readjust him on his bed. But instead of laying him back on the pillows, he found himself supporting Jim with his own body, an arm wrapped around his shoulders to keep him warm.

"Of course, Captain." Spock responded quietly, the words falling on deaf ears. He didn't mind, however. He would remain in the Captain's quarters until morning, to ensure that he was fit to carry out his duties. He would also (gladly) repeat the process again should it prove necessary or helpful. He carefully stroked his Captain's hair, watching the soft blonde strands swaying gently with the movement of his fingers. A calm washed over him again, but this time it wasn't from Jim. Leaning down, he gently brushed his lips across Jim's forehead before laying him on the bed and pulling the covers over him. Spock decided to take up position in a nearby chair, if only for tonight. When the time was right, the opportunity to share a bed with Jim would present itself. But until then, Spock was content to remain a sentry, guarding him against the monsters of his past.


	4. Love Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pavel gets a pleasant (not-so-subtle) surprise and Hikaru nearly has a heart attack more than once. But not to worry, it'll all work out eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To my faithful readers as well as the new- My apologies for that hella long hiatus. Between holidays and writer's block, it's been rough. But we'll get there. Thank you for the kudos, and as always, comments and criticisms are welcome.

Pavel punched in the code for his quarters, slipping into his dark room before the doors were fully open.

"Computer, lights at sewenty-fiwe percent."

As the lights came on, he blinked and rubbed his eyes to be sure he was seeing everything correctly. His room had been filled with flowers, colorful blooms decorating literally every flat surface that wasn't previously occupied. This was Hikaru's surprise. Pavel ran his hand over the edge of his desk, awestruck as he admired the beautiful gifts. His hand came to rest on a small envelope merely marked " _For Pavel :)_ " in Hikaru's semi-messy scrawl. He had always been one for ink on paper rather than a digitized message, a quirk Pavel found endlessly charming. Pavel slipped his finger under the flap and pulled it open gently, sliding a folded card out. This was marked " _Open_ ". Nothing more, nothing less, but it still felt as if it carried an enormous weight. Taking a deep breath, Pavel flipped open the card and began to read.

_Pavel-_   
_Sorry for the mess. I wasn't sure if you'd like this or not, but I took a chance. I know it's still a few months to your birthday, but if you don't mind... Maybe we could get to know each other a little more? I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to ask you face-to-face, but I was afraid that if I asked you in person, I'd get the words wrong. Anyways... I hope you like the flowers. And don't worry about taking care of them, I'll do that. I mean, if you want me to.  
-Hikaru_

Pavel's eyes widened and he broke out in an elated grin. Hikaru really had liked him all this time. How had he not seen it? Of course he loved the flowers, of course he wanted to get to know Hikaru. It was all perfect. Pavel didn't even care that it hadn't been in person. He began to laugh quietly, then it gradually grew into a sound of pure joy, echoing back slightly as he spun around in the middle of the room. Collapsing onto his bed feeling dizzy and almost drunk on happiness, Pavel began to reread Hikaru's note over and over. He wanted to remember every curve of the handwritten letters, the rise and fall of the ink on the page.

The last thing Pavel remembered as he drifted off to sleep was the warmth that filled him. It was a warmth he hadn't felt since he had left home.

*--*--*

Hikaru sat on the edge of his bed and ran his shaking hands through his hair nervously. He had almost gotten caught by Pavel a couple of times while he'd been placing the flowers, and even though he had been long done, the urge to go and remove the gift still itched in his fingers. His heart pounded hard against his ribs, almost threateningly, as he wondered. He knew that if Pavel wasn't back by now, he would be soon. _What will happen then? Will he like it? Or will he tell me he isn't interested?_ He stood and began to pace, stopping at the door that joined their quarters via bathroom several times, debating whether or not he should check the other room. He sat on his bed again, feeling deflated with defeat.

"Calm down, Hikaru. Even if your gift doesn't go over well, everything will be fine. Besides, Pav loves your flowers and he always has!" Hikaru stated to the mirror nearby, nodding decisively. The mirror reflected no confidence, and Hikaru sighed and flopped back on his bed. He was on the verge of heading down to the rec room when he heard the unmistakable sound of Pavel Chekov's laughter. It was quiet, barely noticeable, but definitely his. Hikaru's heart began doing backflips and he was sure he was about to keel over dead. Leaping up, he pressed his ear to the door, hoping to hear more despite the soundproofing. _Nothing_. He cursed silently and leaned against his desk, blowing air out of his cheeks as he resigned himself to waiting until the next shift to figure out what happened.

"Everything will be just fine. That was a happy laugh. He's probably so overjoyed right now, you can't even begin to comprehend it. You totally just made his day, Hikaru." He said to the mirror again. This time, there was definitely a hint of relief and confidence in the reflection he saw.


	5. Technicalities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jim actually slept pretty well last night. Then Spock literally scares him awake. That's really about all, actually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how short and uneventful things are in this chapter. I went braindead while writing this one. I'll make up for it next time, promise. Comments and criticisms welcome, as always.

_Bip. Bip. Bip. Bip._

Kirk rolled onto his side and fumbled around for his alarm clock's snooze button. When his half-numb hand finally found it, he curled his fingers into a fist and slammed them down on it. The shrieking came to an abrupt halt, much to his exhausted delight. He yawned and rolled onto his back again, he blinking up at the ceiling and attempting to clear the tired haze from his eyes. The mornings after medically-induced sleep had always been the hardest to shake for Jim, but sometimes they were a necessary compromise to keep him healthy. At least, that's what Bones always told him. He shook his head and muttered incoherently to himself as he dragged his suddenly heavy frame from the safe, warm sheets where he had been perfectly content. _Someone's gotta run this ship- though it's starting to feel more like a space-bound tin can these days._ Sighing, he stood and stretched languidly before shuffling towards his bathroom. He cast a quick glance around his room habitually, and nearly jumped put of his skin when he noticed a very calm Spock sitting in his armchair.

"Spock?! What- How- _Why are you in here?!_ " Kirk stumbled over his words, his mind racing from being startled into alertness.

"Was your sleep cycle more restful after the medication, captain?" Spock inquired, a hint of slightly curious concern barely noticeable in his otherwise flat voice.

"Well, yeah- I mean, it always is. That's what the medicine is for. But why are you in here?" Kirk was slightly dumbfounded and embarrassed. _What if I said something to him last night? I'll never remember, but he will! Oh, god..._

"I thought it would be wise if I stayed to supervise you, should the medication have any adverse effects or perhaps prove to be ineffective. Now that you are awake, it seems logical that I should take my leave. I will see you on the bridge, sir." Spock stood and inclined his head respectfully, leaving Kirk's quarters as silently as he had come the night before.

Kirk sighed and continued what he had been doing before, brushing his teeth and barely bothering to comb his hair before yanking on his uniform. He slipped into the turbolift and had the full intention of skipping breakfast. That is, until both Scotty and McCoy stepped onto the lift with him from the Mess Hall.

"Jim, ya aren't skippin' breakfast, are ya? After last night, that's th' last thing ya wanna do." McCoy crossed his arms and stiffly jerked his head towards the doors. His way of saying _'Get yer ass in there and eat someth'n. Now.'_

"McCoy is righ', Cap'n. Ye need t' eat somethin' or ye'll ge' t' feelin' bad la'er. Ye cannae expect t' be able t' run this ship properly if ye skip meals all th' time, sir." Scotty shrugged and gave a half-smile, clasping his hands behind his back. Jim sighed and looked at the both of them pointedly before stepping off the lift and heading for the Mess. He wasn't in an arguing mood, and he was just a _little_ hungry. _Might as well just eat and get them off my case_ , he thought idly as he headed for the replicator. He quickly keyed in the code for an apple and snatched up the red-skinned fruit as soon as it appeared. This would do until lunch. He sank his teeth into it as he walked out of the Mess and back to the lift, determined to get to the Bridge and regain his sense of normality.

*--*--*

"Good morning, crew. Anything to report?" Kirk inquired as he dropped into his Chair, relieved.

"Nosing, sir. Our course ees secure and so far we haff had no eenterferences. Our sensors indicate zat zere ees a wery low likelihood of being attacked een zis sector, as eet ees largely uninhabited." Chekov cheerfully gave his report and faced his console again. Jim nodded and turned to Uhura.

"Any important communications?"

"None, sir. The area is quiet."

"Just what I wanted to hear." He bit into the apple again and faced the viewport, his eyes wandering idly among the stars before them. Kirk couldn't ask for a more ideal scenario at the moment. With everything as calm as it was, he would have at least a little time to gather his thoughts and enjoy living out his dream.


End file.
